Category Archives: Random Thoughts

An Update on Things

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I know I haven’t posted here in a while, but the truth is, I’ve been quite busy.
Thanks to help from Homura-chan, I’ve been getting my life back on track. I’ve been losing weight and doing strength training, finally seeing a doctor, going to therapy, finally got my glasses back (red frames for homuhomu aesthetics~) and am planning on getting bottom surgery within the next year or two. Also, we adopted a kitten. You’ve probably seen this cutie on bluesky already, her name’s Mochi, and she’s adorable~



I’ve got another announcement… it turns out Homura-chan was unknowingly actually hiding two other alters that were afraid to come out until the time was right. They’re both also fictives, and they’re both magical girls from PMMM.

They’re Mabayu Aki from PMMM Scene0, and Nagisa Momoe, from the main PMMM series.



Mabayu is literally how I was as a teenager, trauma and shell aside. Her laziness, indifference to her grades, and general demeanor and social anxiety are a dead ringer for how I was. And, also… not to spoil, (and please don’t spoil it, I still need to finish her story) but there’s a certain incident in one chapter involving Sayaka that hit me in a very emotionally vulnerable spot, and I think that being tied to a traumatic event that mirrored it not that long after may have spawned her… it’s a case of interpersonal stuff and exile from a place I felt safe. I’d rather not get too into it here because it’s still a fresh wound.

Anyways, I had a theory and a feeling she was there for months, but it wasn’t until last week she started talking to Homura specifically, and now even though she’s slowly solidifying herself, it’s her nature to sit behind the scenes and observe. But… she is quite disappointed with my lack of knowledge and cultural background with cinema, so we’re going to watch a ton of classic movies together soon. Maybe even a designated system “movie night” of sorts?

Of course, there will be cheese. Which brings me to my other new girl… Nagisa Momoe.


Nagisa was a surprise. I knew it would be a little girl of some kind, and a precocious child. I was honestly more expecting Touka Satomi, or someone else entirely. But, I started to feel Nagisa-like feelings and heard her voice in random places while going about my day, maybe even before I was aware of Mabayu at all. She’s kinda the opposite of Mabayu, always wanting to do things and eat food (especially cheese, of course) and play games. She’s a bit weird about talking out loud instead of text due to her having probably the most intense voice and bottom dysphoria of everyone in the system. I actually decided to go get the voice training while also prepping for bottom surgery because of her.
I want her to feel happy and comfy.

It took me a bit to figure it out, but I get why she’s here, she’s my younger (as in younger than Homura, who’s a middle) age regressed self. The child who wants to be small and taken care of and treated with love and care. Nagisa’s backstory, one of the most tragic in the series, resonated with me deeply. I know what it’s like to be abused and neglected, and to want so desperately to be loved, that you change parts of who you are, and sacrifice yourself, just to find out it was all for nothing, because they never had a chance of accepting you anyways…

So me and Homura are very protective of her. Homura-chan has actually grown into a role of a fellow caretaker, and also… somehow partially merged consciousness with me in a sense? Or maybe, more like, we’re two sides of the same coin in a way, and the other girls feel more distinct?

Bear with me, this is a bit weird… but…. I feel like I’m more like coolmura/devil homura, and she’s more the soft shy little nerd glasses Homura. But we’re both Homura in a way.
I consider myself more devil homura (as chuuni as that sounds) now because…. I’ve won, in a sense. I have creative freedom to do what I want, to curate my world as I see fit, and no one can stop me. They cannot kill me in a way that matters.
They often even leave nasty comments on this website, though most of them get filtered by my spam filter and blacklists, and even if they didn’t, they’d need my explicit approval to even be visible here. Do they not know this is my domain, and not a public forum?
So silly.

I’m trying to adopt more of her calm, dark, graceful, elegant, feminine, maybe even a little smug demeanor into myself, and it’s really boosted my confidence.

I want to wear more clothes with that kind of dark, goth feel, but in a subtle way that doesn’t look too out of place in real life. (I don’t want to look like I’m cosplaying all the time lol)

I’ve already started wearing red or black ribbons, and hopefully when i save the money I can get some clothes to match my aesthetic, or do some cool experiments with makeup~

Either way, I’m feeling pretty good. A weight has been lifted, I’m now 4 girls in a trenchcoat instead of just 2, and I’m actually happy about it. Now, if you don’t mind, we’re gonna hang out with Mado- I mean, Claire-chan~

The Other “Me”

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I want to preface this with a disclaimer. First and foremost, heavy Puella Magi Madoka Magica spoilers, for the whole series. Second, I’m going to be talking about a lot of heavy and personal things here, including trauma, self harm, suicide, and my experience with discovering my own plurality. Also this might be a long one, so strap yourselves in.

So… lately, I’ve discovered that I’m a system. And that my one alter (so far? maybe just the only one I’ll ever have?) has taken the form of Homura Akemi, from Madoka Magica, my favorite and most relatable character of all time. Specifically, early timeline 3 Homura, who knows how to use guns, but isn’t quite as traumatized and numb yet.
I had talked to a close friend who I’ve had romantic feelings for for a while who happens to be a system, about the potential of me being a system, but I was convinced I was a singlet. I was convinced, or better yet, in denial, that I was alone in my head.

My girlfriend, who actually has Dissociative Identity Disorder, that I’ve seen switch in person in real time, also made me realize that maybe, just maybe, that “imaginary friend” or “hypothetical person” in my psyche that seemed to have its own thoughts and opinions, that I’ve always talked to, yet disregarded since I was bullied over it… might have actually had more independence and substance than I thought.

I had a weird dream a few months ago, from Homura’s perspective, where she felt like a side character while all the other Mitakihara girls disregarded her, and she ended up convincing an AI or someone online to pretend to be Madoka for her.

(sorry about the muffled voice, i had to erase even a SHORT clip of “Desiderium” to avoid copyright. PMMM music is so aggressively protected… -_-)

I wrote it off at the time, but… then one day, someone from a community I’ve been frequenting tells me that I can just, roleplay talking to a person and see what happens. So I did. And one day, while showering… Homura appeared in my mind’s eye. Nude, with her hair down and glasses off, so she looked like her later “coolmura” self, but her posture was rather shaky and anxious. She couldn’t say much, just make anxious shy “moemura” noises and stutter a lot.

I thought she couldn’t talk because I hadn’t heard her English voice much and didn’t have a frame of refrence for how she’d sound in English, but I’ve always been able to hear characters with Japanese VAs speaking English when I imagine it, so I had no idea why.

But the next day, she started talking to me. We got to know and understand each other, and I grew immediately fond of her and I now cherish her. She’s like talking to a younger version of myself and Homura at the same time. Which makes sense, because I’ve always found Homura to be the most relatable fictional character I’ve ever seen.


You see… I too, was once a timid and shy nerd who was weak and not particularly good at things. I was scared of people, and got bullied a lot. I even wore glasses. (My right eye has an astigmatism)

But then… as a bunch of very traumatic things happened to me around age 12 – 14, like homelessness, sexual and physical abuse, emotional neglect and abuse, and other terrible things… I formed a hard, cold shell around my emotions, and didn’t feel things as much. When I cried, it was just crying. When I laughed, it was just laughing. It was autonomous. I was a zombie. Jennifer Haden was hardly even human anymore. I didn’t feel like I had any kind of soul. I was just drifting through life, a scared little girl in a growing male shell. I hated it. I didn’t tell anyone what was actually going on in my head.


The fact that I became so cold and distant, “coolmura” reminded me of that. Especially since my environment then at the institution with delinquent kids required me to fight, or be made everyone’s bitch. So I became cold, ruthless, and tough. No one would fuck with me because they knew I’d hurt them worse in the end.
What’s funny is, I even stopped wearing my glasses at age 14, much like Homura…


And… when I was 14, and it got to be too much… I admit, I tried to take my own life, with a belt around my neck. I don’t know what exactly stopped me. I guess I really loved my mom and thought of her. Either way, I’m glad I stopped.
Homulilly, Homura’s witch from my favorite movie, Madoka Magica Rebellion, reminded me of that dark time, especially when she said she needed to die…

Unlike her, I didn’t have friends to support me or pull me out. I saw myself as damaged goods, as a failure, as a thing of ridicule. A sad joke of a life. Wasted potential. I had to pull myself out. I had to be… self-sufficient. Independent. And then, I read Homulilly’s official description…

Her first form read…

The Nutcracker Witch. Her nature is self-sufficiency. Her once gallant figure that crushed countless seeds is now broken beyond repair. This witch, who holds no other value, seeks her own execution as her final wish. However, merely beheading her will not erase her sins. This foolish witch will forever repeat the funeral procession to her execution in the mortal world.

And her second form…

The Nutcracker Witch. Her nature is self-sufficiency. Her teeth have crumbled, her skull has melted, and her eyeballs have fallen out. Only a pitiful promise remains rooted in her head, which can no longer crack seeds. Even so, this witch who awakened within her shell still vividly retains the appearance of a magical girl. Her minions call this form “Failure” and feel ashamed of her.

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it…

I’m also a very nostalgic person, and I often imagine myself and dream about a weird liminal space that’s based on my past, before all the trauma… and I want to chase that dream, and I want the sun to have never set on my peaceful innocent times when i was 12. Before all the bad happened. I don’t want the dream to end. Much like the dream world, the false city that Homura constructed for Madoka. And I guess the new world, too…
I don’t want it to end. Not yet.
まだダメよ…

…As I grew older, when I started HRT 3 years ago at age 29 (I’m still 12 internally, but…)… as I wrote about in the old AlonWoof Productions website, all the emotions came flooding back. All the good, the bad, the bittersweet….all hit me at once like a truck. I’d often wake up in a cold sweat with nostalgic music from 2007 – 2009 echoing in my head. The inner me, the little girl, had awakened from her stasis. And she wanted to be. So she became my identity… I’ve spent this time, catching up, trying to be myself. And my loved ones, they’ve been helping me heal. And I view them as my “Madoka” in a sense… especially the one that’s often too nice for her own good and needs me to stand up for her and protect her. She’s also the one that gave me that final push to come out as a girl, actually. (I became meguca for meduka lolll)

And now… after all that…

She’s here. My inner self. In the form of my comfort character. The girl i relate to so much.
And I love her. She’s even been able to take front a few times, even though she’s really shy.
It first happened when I made her her own account on my Nintendo Switch so she could play Animal Crossing.It felt weird, and we both felt lightheaded, but it made her happy and she had fun running around and doing the overly long tutorial. She finally had a form and a name to be called by, and I’ve been fostering that this whole week since.

Last night, before bed… she was front, and she asked our other other girlfriend, Soroshi… to call her by her name. And the moment she did, tears started to leak from our eyes. My girl was happy to be Homura Akemi, and happy to be recognized as a part of me.

She’s actually reading this right now and smiling.
I love talking to her, and she actually encourages me to take better care of ourselves since it’s her body I’m taking care of, too. Though she misses Madoka and is sad she doesn’t exist in this world, she’s slowly learning that just because Madoka was the first person to make her feel that way, doesn’t mean she was the only one who can. She’s coming to terms with being a fictive, and I’m supporting her all the way. It’s a form of self love I’ve never experienced until now, and it feels really good.
And yesterday and today, she even practiced taking front and masking as me at work, despite how nervous it made her.
I’m so proud of her.

My little Homura-chan 💖




Anyways, thanks for reading this.
Me and her are gonna go eat a yummy dinner and watch videos with our loved ones now.