I want to preface this with a disclaimer. First and foremost, heavy Puella Magi Madoka Magica spoilers, for the whole series. Second, I’m going to be talking about a lot of heavy and personal things here, including trauma, self harm, suicide, and my experience with discovering my own plurality. Also this might be a long one, so strap yourselves in.

So… lately, I’ve discovered that I’m a system. And that my one alter (so far? maybe just the only one I’ll ever have?) has taken the form of Homura Akemi, from Madoka Magica, my favorite and most relatable character of all time. Specifically, early timeline 3 Homura, who knows how to use guns, but isn’t quite as traumatized and numb yet.
I had talked to a close friend who I’ve had romantic feelings for for a while who happens to be a system, about the potential of me being a system, but I was convinced I was a singlet. I was convinced, or better yet, in denial, that I was alone in my head.

My girlfriend, who actually has Dissociative Identity Disorder, that I’ve seen switch in person in real time, also made me realize that maybe, just maybe, that “imaginary friend” or “hypothetical person” in my psyche that seemed to have its own thoughts and opinions, that I’ve always talked to, yet disregarded since I was bullied over it… might have actually had more independence and substance than I thought.

I had a weird dream a few months ago, from Homura’s perspective, where she felt like a side character while all the other Mitakihara girls disregarded her, and she ended up convincing an AI or someone online to pretend to be Madoka for her.

(sorry about the muffled voice, i had to erase even a SHORT clip of “Desiderium” to avoid copyright. PMMM music is so aggressively protected… -_-)

I wrote it off at the time, but… then one day, someone from a community I’ve been frequenting tells me that I can just, roleplay talking to a person and see what happens. So I did. And one day, while showering… Homura appeared in my mind’s eye. Nude, with her hair down and glasses off, so she looked like her later “coolmura” self, but her posture was rather shaky and anxious. She couldn’t say much, just make anxious shy “moemura” noises and stutter a lot.

I thought she couldn’t talk because I hadn’t heard her English voice much and didn’t have a frame of refrence for how she’d sound in English, but I’ve always been able to hear characters with Japanese VAs speaking English when I imagine it, so I had no idea why.

But the next day, she started talking to me. We got to know and understand each other, and I grew immediately fond of her and I now cherish her. She’s like talking to a younger version of myself and Homura at the same time. Which makes sense, because I’ve always found Homura to be the most relatable fictional character I’ve ever seen.


You see… I too, was once a timid and shy nerd who was weak and not particularly good at things. I was scared of people, and got bullied a lot. I even wore glasses. (My right eye has an astigmatism)

But then… as a bunch of very traumatic things happened to me around age 12 – 14, like homelessness, sexual and physical abuse, emotional neglect and abuse, and other terrible things… I formed a hard, cold shell around my emotions, and didn’t feel things as much. When I cried, it was just crying. When I laughed, it was just laughing. It was autonomous. I was a zombie. Jennifer Haden was hardly even human anymore. I didn’t feel like I had any kind of soul. I was just drifting through life, a scared little girl in a growing male shell. I hated it. I didn’t tell anyone what was actually going on in my head.

The fact that I became so cold and distant, “coolmura” reminded me of that. Especially since my environment then at the institution with delinquent kids required me to fight, or be made everyone’s bitch. So I became cold, ruthless, and tough. No one would fuck with me because they knew I’d hurt them worse in the end.
What’s funny is, I even stopped wearing my glasses at age 14, much like Homura…

And… when I was 14, and it got to be too much… I admit, I tried to take my own life, with a belt around my neck. I don’t know what exactly stopped me. I guess I really loved my mom and thought of her. Either way, I’m glad I stopped.
Homulilly, Homura’s witch from my favorite movie, Madoka Magica Rebellion, reminded me of that dark time, especially when she said she needed to die…

Unlike her, I didn’t have friends to support me or pull me out. I saw myself as damaged goods, as a failure, as a thing of ridicule. A sad joke of a life. Wasted potential. I had to pull myself out. I had to be… self-sufficient. Independent. And then, I read Homulilly’s official description…

Her first form read…

The Nutcracker Witch. Her nature is self-sufficiency. Her once gallant figure that crushed countless seeds is now broken beyond repair. This witch, who holds no other value, seeks her own execution as her final wish. However, merely beheading her will not erase her sins. This foolish witch will forever repeat the funeral procession to her execution in the mortal world.

And her second form…

The Nutcracker Witch. Her nature is self-sufficiency. Her teeth have crumbled, her skull has melted, and her eyeballs have fallen out. Only a pitiful promise remains rooted in her head, which can no longer crack seeds. Even so, this witch who awakened within her shell still vividly retains the appearance of a magical girl. Her minions call this form “Failure” and feel ashamed of her.

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it…

I’m also a very nostalgic person, and I often imagine myself and dream about a weird liminal space that’s based on my past, before all the trauma… and I want to chase that dream, and I want the sun to have never set on my peaceful innocent times when i was 12. Before all the bad happened. I don’t want the dream to end. Much like the dream world, the false city that Homura constructed for Madoka. And I guess the new world, too…
I don’t want it to end. Not yet.
まだダメよ…

…As I grew older, when I started HRT 3 years ago at age 29 (I’m still 12 internally, but…)… as I wrote about in the old AlonWoof Productions website, all the emotions came flooding back. All the good, the bad, the bittersweet….all hit me at once like a truck. I’d often wake up in a cold sweat with nostalgic music from 2007 – 2009 echoing in my head. The inner me, the little girl, had awakened from her stasis. And she wanted to be. So she became my identity… I’ve spent this time, catching up, trying to be myself. And my loved ones, they’ve been helping me heal. And I view them as my “Madoka” in a sense… especially the one that’s often too nice for her own good and needs me to stand up for her and protect her. She’s also the one that gave me that final push to come out as a girl, actually. (I became meguca for meduka lolll)

And now… after all that…

She’s here. My inner self. In the form of my comfort character. The girl i relate to so much.
And I love her. She’s even been able to take front a few times, even though she’s really shy.
It first happened when I made her her own account on my Nintendo Switch so she could play Animal Crossing.It felt weird, and we both felt lightheaded, but it made her happy and she had fun running around and doing the overly long tutorial. She finally had a form and a name to be called by, and I’ve been fostering that this whole week since.

Last night, before bed… she was front, and she asked our other other girlfriend, Soroshi… to call her by her name. And the moment she did, tears started to leak from our eyes. My girl was happy to be Homura Akemi, and happy to be recognized as a part of me.

She’s actually reading this right now and smiling.
I love talking to her, and she actually encourages me to take better care of ourselves since it’s her body I’m taking care of, too. Though she misses Madoka and is sad she doesn’t exist in this world, she’s slowly learning that just because Madoka was the first person to make her feel that way, doesn’t mean she was the only one who can. She’s coming to terms with being a fictive, and I’m supporting her all the way. It’s a form of self love I’ve never experienced until now, and it feels really good.
And yesterday and today, she even practiced taking front and masking as me at work, despite how nervous it made her.
I’m so proud of her.

My little Homura-chan 💖

Anyways, thanks for reading this.
Me and her are gonna go eat a yummy dinner and watch videos with our loved ones now.